The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
