saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
it hurts more in the daytime
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We need to get me chipped asap
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
