I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
