there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
