you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
