John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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