im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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