That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
