My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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