i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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