he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
