There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
