just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
