FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
