Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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