Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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