He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
