i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
