And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize