he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I pour the whiskey from now on
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
