Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
