I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
