Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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