My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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