I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
