in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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