Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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