Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize