Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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