Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
