I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
