whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
