I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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