Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
