4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Randomize
