i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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