Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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