When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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