oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
