I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
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