you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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