Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
