i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
