Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
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