so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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