I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
