i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
