we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
