last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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