Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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