bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
