last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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