Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
