if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My penis needs a shock collar
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
