It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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