In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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