: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
