If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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