can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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